Author: Madeline Pecora Nugent, Julian Stead
Publisher: New City Press
Release: 2007
Genre: Self-Help
Length: 176 pages
Rating: 85%
How do you become a better parent? A better husband/wife/partner? A better friend? A better neighbour? Most books, especially those tinged with a “New Age” approach, focus on what you can do for yourSELF. Now a new book asking those same questions has come out, but with a twist: to paraphrase JFK, “Ask not what others can do for you – ask what you can do for others.” Such is the message of Love-Ability: Becoming Lovable by Caring for Yourself and Others.
The book is written by Madeline Pecora Nugent, a married mother of five and Minister General for the Confraternity of Penitents, and Julian Stead, O.S.B., a Benedictine monk and priest at St. Gregory’s Abbey in Portsmouth , Rhode Island . Though the two obviously come from very different walks of life, their diametrically opposed personal experiences complement each other and underline the book’s relevance for all readers no matter what their gender, marital status, or station in life.
Despite the authors’ differences, Love-Ability is written from a Christian, and more specifically Catholic, perspective. Quotes from Scriptures and prominent saints – in particular sixth-century Pope Gregory the Great – appear throughout it. However, the authors also include Buddhist maxims and references to the Islamic faith, so if one is willing to overlook the Christian references the book has a message that can be heard by all.
The main point of Love-Ability is that if you put others before yourself, you end up not only helping them but gaining something for yourself as well. In other words, “givers are receivers.” Placing oneself last involves both concrete acts such as volunteering or making charitable donations or even on a more abstract caring for the environment and less tangible measures like paying attention to one’s manners or being careful before attributing bad intents to other people’s actions (for instance, if your friend seemed to snub you at the store, he or she might have been too occupied to notice you).
Nonetheless, there is a “good” kind of giving and a “not so good” kind. We should not look down on those to whom we make charitable donations. It is similarly wrong to selectively give to those we view as more “worthy” of our kindness. Love-Ability cites the case of a woman who refused to donate to AIDS foundations because she considered people with that disease “sinners.” We must in addition examine whether the motives for our generosity are sound. For example, believing that if we perform good deeds we can make up for past wrongs we have committed is misguided. The authors explain that “righteousness cannot be bought.”
On the other hand, putting others first doesn’t mean being a doormat. The authors tell readers to “splurge” on themselves from time to time and do something enjoyable with it. This is protective against becoming a miser. In addition, they warn that in the long run it is better not to pretend to agree with somebody if you in reality disagree with him or her. In other words, your opinion counts too. And don’t expect to take on every responsibility thrust on you; at worst this can lead to making promises one cannot keep, another mistake to avoid.
The final chapter of the book advises readers who feel they need professional help what to look for in a counsellor (who could be not only a counsellor per se but a physician, member of the clergy, etcetera). All in all, no matter whether or not we are actively seeking to become more “lovable,” Love-Ability is a book that is worth reading.
To find out about ordering the book, go to www.love-ability.com.
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