The other day my mother and I were sorting through my daughter’s old baby clothes. We put them in two piles, one for things she could wear in the upcoming months and another for those she had already outgrown. We debated what to do with the second pile of clothing: should we give it to my brother and sister-in-law, who are considering having a third child; send it out West to my newly married cousin and his wife; or donate it to the Salvation Army or some other charity? For now we’re keeping it on hold. One option that didn’t come up, though, was saving it for me in case I have another baby. It suddenly struck me: my daughter Gabriella Michelle will probably be my only child.
I didn’t deliberately set out to have only one child. Over the years my ideas on family size have changed. When I was young, I wanted four children, just like my mother’s family of origin with her, my aunt and their two brothers. Then I entered a “the-world’s-too-awful-to-bring-children-into” phase (it’s called adolescence). After I got engaged in college, my then-fiancé and I pictured a family of two children, a girl and a boy. But eventually I came to like the notion of an only child. This preference was driven home to me by various babysitting experiences and, more recently, by an outing to the park with my daughter, my brother and his two kids. I remember desperately trying to keep Gabriella and my nephew, both fourteen months, in my field of vision as they scampered off in different directions while my brother tended to my niece. To make the story short: I wished I were a bird (most birds have a 360-degree field of vision). I realize I can’t handle more than one small child at once.
An alternative to having an only child is waiting six years or so for when my daughter is no longer so dependent on me. Given that I’m forty years old now, however, by that time there’s a good chance I’ll either be infertile or, in the event of a pregnancy, at higher risk of problems like miscarriage or Down syndrome. There are other options besides the so-called “natural way,” namely reproductive technologies and adoption. I’ve never seriously considered the first: while I’m by no means against reproductive technologies, what might be appropriate for, say, a childless couple in their thirties would not feel right for me, a woman over forty with a biological child.
On the other hand, I have looked into adoption more closely. But my chances of expanding my family this way also seem slim. Foreign adoption is expensive, not only in terms of fees for the process itself but in wages lost from time taken off work to travel to the country in question. In addition, my age, marital status (I’m in a so-called “visiting relationship” but not legally married), and the fact I already have a biological child would probably place me at the bottom of a prospective adoptive parents list. I’ve explored domestic adoption as well. Unfortunately, most of the kids available here in Canada have emotional and/or developmental problems due to neglect, prenatal exposure to alcohol, etcetera, and I don’t personally feel capable of raising a child with these kinds of issues. (Of note, I once ended a relationship with a man with manic depression partly for fear any children we would have might inherit his condition.) On one website I examined there was a single child I would have considered adopting – a beautiful East Indian girl with a purely physical handicap – but lo and behold, the next time I checked the site she was gone, placed with a family. And I’m sure that if I had applied to take her I would have been competing with other families viewed as more suitable than me, for the reasons mentioned above.
So now I basically have accepted that I’ll probably have only one child in this lifetime. Most of the time, I think of the positives in this. They include being able to spend more time with my daughter, in volunteer activities, and at solitary endeavours such as writing this article. The extra time with my daughter has created a special closeness between us (not that parents with two or more children can’t be close to each one of them). For me, it’s not so much the “quality moments” that I cherish but rather the simple things like singing with her as I do the dishes, carrying her around the neighbourhood in my “pouch” (Baby Bjorn), and reading her the stories she loves. I also appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with trying to divide myself between two small children who both need my attention, worrying about money, or breaking up sibling squabbles. Don’t get me wrong: I admire people like my brother and sister-in-law who can handle two or more small children at one time. I just don’t know if I could do the same.
With any decision, whether it’s living without children, having only one child, or reproducing a la Michelle Duggar, there are pros and cons. On the rare occasion I’ll get the urge for a second baby, small and sweet like my little girl. My biggest questions, however, have to do with my daughter herself. Am I harming her by depriving her of a brother or sister? My mom once told me the good thing about siblings is that they are still there when your parents are gone. One book called siblinghood the longest-lasting bond. On the practical side, if I become incapacitated in my old age will my daughter resent not having someone else to share the burden of caring for me with? Overall, though, I’m confident she’ll be fine. I’ve researched the academic literature on the effect of being an only child versus having siblings, and it’s been fairly reassuring: some studies show only children do better than their peers; others suggest they suffer disadvantages; and still more find no difference between the two groups.
Of course my lifestyle is not for everybody. Though I don’t like societal attitudes that label parents of onlies as “selfish” or only children as “spoiled brats,” I don’t have any problem with the two-child family being the norm. And my situation could change. I might find myself in a new relationship and choose to have a child to cement it. Maybe my daughter will demand a brother or sister. Or I could develop a sudden craving for another baby for no reason at all. (Of note, I haven’t had a tubal ligation, so the possibility of having a biological child is probably still open to me for another three or four years). But in all likelihood I will remain a mother of one, and I am content with this.
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Dear Emilia,
I have read your post with great interest and I think that I understand your concerns. Considering the facts that you are still fertile and that you already have one biological child it seems to me that your interest in adoption of another child is motivated by the the fact that you dread pregnancy and childbirth.
I do not know in what part of Canada you live but in Ontario if you are willing to pay for it it is possible to adopt this perfect cute little baby that you are looking for.
I am talking about newborn babies that CAS workers steal from their mothers in Ontario Maternity Wards right after they are born. These perfect kids are never advertised for adoption. They are sold with or without the Record of Live Birth to women who make too much money to afford taking time off for pregnancy and childbirth; lawyers, medical doctors, executives, politicians etc. If they are sold without the Record of Live Birth midwife comes to your home after child is delivered to you and she fills out such report listing you as a birth mother so nobody ever knows that the child was stolen and sold to you.
You have to pay cash under the table and keep quiet about it but risk is minimal.
You can contact any Ontario adoption practitioner and ask them about such option.
The reason I mention it to you is because it seems to me that your moral compass is spinning.
Cheers,
Do you have any evidence of such a thing, Karol? The CAS people I’ve asked about this were dumbfounded by your assertion.
Also, I’ve met more than a few baby factories in my lifetime. These women can’t stop cranking them out. Subsequent poor care or lack of resources usually leads to these kids turning to crime and/or repeating the cycle. I’m not sure what’s so “moral” about reckeless breeding, to be honest. At least Emilia put some thought into it rather than relying on impulse or superstition. I wish more women would do the same.
If by “perfect” you mean the typical “healthy white baby,” I’ve got to say you are mistaken. As I made it clear that in adopting a child a.) race would not be an issue, b.) I would have no problem with a purely physical disability. However, maybe I’m not a saint, but I don’t feel capable of handling a child with emotional and/or behavioural issues. I know from firsthand experience what damage mental illness can do to a family (I’ll be really blunt: an aunt of mine committed suicide, and it destroyed her son and probably psychologically affected her daughter), and I can’t bring that into my immediate family.
Also, I had a very easy pregnancy. The only morning sickness I had was, ironically, on the day I discovered I was pregnant. The only real physical complaint was tender breasts (and by the way, breastfeeding was smooth sailing, and I’m still nursing my daughter sixteen months later).
Hi Emilia,
Do what is comfortable for you as a parent….if you feel comfortable to do your job confidently that is what is best for the kid…it aint about the numbers so much. I personally do want more than one and do feel that there is some benefit to a child having another person sorta close to their age to associate with….especially when so called friends cant be trusted…but that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to have multiple kids.
I am sure you will make the good choice…you are analyzing things alot so that means you will most likely not end up putting your self in a situation you cannot handle.
I hate when people pass judgment on others about not having kids or too few. So many parents out there treat kids like sh!t and many times its cause they never really wanted to be parents in the first place but it was “the thing to do”. That crap is wrong.
Anyways….adopt if you want…I possible will myself one day…..I like the idea of giving a young child a home that would not otherwise have had one….but they have to be young for me to do that. I am up for (look forward to) the job of parenting and all the hard work, and the good parts of it…and clearly you are too being a parent already and thinking of the next steps.
Good luck with the decision.
B
Thank you for all your comments.
First to Karol, I’m afraid I’ll have to class your story about “perfect” babies being stolen by the CAS in the same category as alien abductions and Prime Minister MacKenzie-King communicating with the spirit of his dead dog. Believe me; I’m not a great fan of the CAS, but I don’t believe CAS workers are routinely kidnapping babies.
To B, thank you for the encouragement. I agree I would probably like a younger child, because I know many older children available for adoption or fostering often have issues like neglect or abuse when they were with their family of origin. Probably two yeares is the upper age limit for any child I would adopt. I know I’m not a saint in this respect – and I admire people that do adopt or try to adopt older children with a past history of abuse, like my sister who fostered a boy and girl who were neglected by their biological mother; unfortunately my sister was unable to adopt them because their biological father suddenly popped on the scene and demanded them.
Now to both B and Cynapse, I agree that people shouldn’t have children if they can’t financially and/or emotionally care for them properly. For instance, I would never have 16 kids as Michelle Duggar does, and her religious beliefs, ideas about the role of women, etc., are worlds apart from mine, but on the other hand, she is not on welfare and is raising her children to be responsible citizens. So I don’t mind how many kids she has. On the other hand, in some other parts of the web I see families with more kids than they can handle. For instance, at one attachment parenting board I belonged to at one time, I saw women who continually had children every year even though some of their older ones clearly had behavioural and/or mental problems. I felt that these women might have concentrated on caring for the kids they had and worked at resolving their issues rather than bring more and more into the world. Similarly, I do think it’s irresponsiblbe to deliberately have children while on welfare. I don’t have a problem with, say, a woman with children leaving an abusive husband who can’t afford day care using welfare temporarily. However, I read a book where one woman, with one son already, was undergoing artificial insemination to give her son a sibling, even though she was collected social security (she was British) at the time.
I’m still looking into adoption, but I know myself well enough to realize there are some kids I would feel capable of parenting and others that I would not. I’ll keep everyone abreast of the news about me!
The only thing I would try to advise you Emilia, is to listen to your own heart. Do what you feel is best for you and your child. You’ll never go wrong doing that.
Don’t listen to anyone else.
Dear Joanne,
Thank you for your comments.
I sometimes think that if everybody had 2.1 children (replacement level), no one would be criticized for how many or few children they had. But maybe that’s as naive as thinking that if everybody were of mixed race, there would be no racism.
I’ve learned to never say never, so I’m not sure how many children I’ll end up having.
Emilia
I’ve learned to never say never, so I’m not sure how many children I’ll end up having.
Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right decision, Emilia.
Thank you again for your encouragement!